“While society is chipping away at giving girls broader access to life’s possibilities, it isn’t presenting boys with a full continuum of how they can be in the world.” - Sarah Rich
No matter whether we have boys or girls, protecting their right to express themselves however they choose is at the heart of our job as parents. Although a brighter light has been shone on girls’ lives and options in recent years, there’s still a very long way to go to ensure that all girls have access to full equality in society, including equal pay with men, meaningful levels of bodily autonomy, and both physical and economic security regardless of the colour of their skin, who they choose to partner with, or the type of work they choose to undertake. While I wish it didn’t take great amounts of bravery or determination to live a free and self-directed life, our girls have models in books and society of dynamic, impressive, characterful women who provide a lot of diverse examples of the ways in which one can be a woman. Largely, people celebrate when girls break the mold and want to take on work or responsibilities traditionally associated with men, like jobs in the STEM sector.
What, then, of our sons? As Sarah Rich writes in her article “Imagining a Better Boyhood”, boys aren’t afforded with the same options as girls for transgressing traditional gender norms in clothing, behaviour, hobbies, or careers. While most people would support their daughter play-acting as a firefighter or joining the coding club after school, fewer people would feel the same enthusiasm if their son wanted to play-act as a nurse - in a standard nurse’s uniform - or join the figure skating club. We encourage our girls to take up activities associated with masculinity, but we don’t do the equivalent for our sons. This hurts both our sons and our daughters, because at the root of it all is a pernicious message that feminine things are worth less. As Rich writes, “To embrace anything feminine, if you’re not biologically female, causes discomfort and confusion, because throughout most of history and in most parts of the world, being a woman has been a disadvantage. Why would a boy, born into all the power of maleness, reach outside his privileged domain? It doesn’t compute.”
The effect of shutting down boys’ options for self-expression is at once personal and wider-reaching; as boys cut off things they like (colours, TV shows, types of clothing, pastimes, friends) to better fit in with a ‘boy’ mould, one that is constantly reinforced by peers, family members, teachers, and society in general, they risk alienating themselves from some of the attributes that make them feel most like themselves. In an effort to fit into the very narrow category of socially approved masculine behaviour, boys reduce their emotional connectivity with peers (especially other boys) and align themselves with the types of behaviours they see rewarded by society - behaviours which more often than not underpin a type of masculinity which celebrates violence, aggression, sexist behaviour, and control.
There is no positive idea or word in our culture to celebrate boys who choose feminine activities or behaviours; they are not ‘brave’ or ‘mighty’ or ‘strong’, as girls who choose masculine activities are so often described. So without a strong family culture that celebrates being yourself, listening to your own spirit, and respecting everyone for who they are, what chance do our boys have to keep their true, creative, connected selves from vanishing into expected, approved ways of being a boy?
As respectful, intentional parents we can do our part to support our children’s development, regardless of sex or gender, and help our kids stay connected with their complex, vibrant, unique selves. We don’t need to force our children to transgress social expectations of gender, but by the same token we don’t need to force them to comply, either. In the same way that most of us probably make sure to provide a range of open-ended toys, rather than ones that were ‘approved’ for either boys or girls, we can make sure to provide a range of experiences and opportunities without placing too much emphasis or value on whether they are coded for ‘girls’ or ‘boys.’ If our child expresses a strong preference for a type of activity (sport, dance, music, chess), we can support their interest whether or not they are the only girl/boy in the class.
We can also give our child a nurturing, protected space within society, a home without judgement or preconceptions about who they are now, and who will grow into as adults based on the desires and preferences of childhood. As Sarah Rich says in her article, a young boy wanting to wear dresses doesn’t necessarily mean that he will grow up wanting to be a woman. While I don’t want to minimise the experience of trans children who know themselves quite solidly to be a gender not what they are assigned by society, there are plenty of children who chafe against the very narrow boundaries our society has drawn around gender, but are completely happy to be the boys or girls society understands them to be. They are happy to be in the box we have identified them with, only wish the box was a bit roomier. As parents, we can give our kids this sheltered space to be whatever kind of boy or girl they choose to be, with all the changes, phases, and experimentation that comes along with it, by standing up for all children’s right to choose how to express themselves. We can insulate our children from the judgements of other family members, friends, or passers-by who say harmful, limiting, sexist things to our children (they are nearly always sexist things, in one form or another, because what is the devalue of things which are feminine other than sexism?), either by speaking to these people directly about their influence, or by shielding our children from hearing their judgemental ideas. We can surround our children with books, media, songs, and most importantly, adults who represent a range of ways of ‘being a man’ or ‘being a woman’, so they understand that many options are possible.
If you’d like to think more deeply about protecting your son from the pressures of mainstream masculinity, booking is open for my new course on Raising Feminist Boys. It’s a 4 week course designed to help you learn about the issues facing boys and find ways to empower your son to stand up for what is right, treat others with respect, and connect with his own sense of self. Click here to find out more.