A question I hear often is: how do I keep my child from buying into gender stereotypes? How do I teach them that girls can be doctors, boys can like pink, and that nothing is a ‘boy’s toy’ or a ‘girl’s toy’, when around every corner something is promoting that stereotype loud and clear?
Pink and Blue and Flowers are for everyone!
I’ve talked about it some before in my post on letting kids wear what they like, and supporting them to be true to themselves, but there’s still more to say. It’s a real challenge to raise kids who can listen to their own drums rather than the banging of society’s mainstream messages. And it’s not just messages alone: it’s the constant reinforcement of these ideas by peers, adults in positions of power, books, media, and consumer goods.
Even with a very feminism-infused upbringing, A (who is 3 and 3/4 years old, as he’ll tell you) has come up against the idea that boys can’t do some things, or play certain games, and really taken that message to heart. Despite a bookshelf full of diverse books, no gender stereotyped media exposure, a wardrobe full of clothes mostly marketed towards girls, a home where chores are mostly not divided by gender, and constant positive talk about boys and girls being able to do whatever they choose, he still struggles to stand up to his peers when they tell him he can’t play because he’s a boy. This is the mountain we’re up against, but I have some guidance that should help.
Challenge our own implicit biases
First and foremost, what our kids need to stand up against gender stereotypes is a family environment that is as free as possible from implicit, unspoken, unconscious belief in those stereotypes. If deep down we don’t believe that it’s OK for boys to wear a sequin top, or paint their nails, or that it’s OK for a girl to take up boxing or buzz-cut her hair, then there is no way that our kids will believe it. They will doubt themselves whenever a peer questions them, and research has shown* that peers exert an incredible amount of influence over even very young children when in comes to acting in gender stereotyped ways.
Children pick up on our beliefs through our unspoken language just as clearly as through our words: through a disapproving glance, a hesitation in our speech, a sigh. We might not even know that we have some deep-hidden thoughts and ideas about what boys and girls ‘should’ be like. Many wise writers have said that the most important work of parenting is work on yourself. Challenge yourself to dig deep into what beliefs you might be holding onto about gender stereotypes, and what this means about your expectations for your kids.
Be suspicious of what social psychologist and researcher Cordelia Fine calls ‘neuro-nonsense’: where experts use of out of context research or poorly conducted studies of the brain to back up their biased claims about the differences between men and women. Most of the books that exist on parenting boys or parenting girls are full of this kind of information, which tends to talk a lot about how boys and girls learn differently, make friendships differently, or have ‘warrior hearts’ and ‘mothering hearts’. They rarely talk about why boys and girls may be learning differently or making friends differently, since there are virtually no differences in brain structure or chemistry during childhood. They also rarely talk about the role our own society plays in shaping how boys and girls act, although we know that this is the single most important influence on children’s understanding and adoption of culture.
Lead Through Your Words and Actions
Children are forming their own ideas about the world, and look to us as leaders who have more information and experience. Those of us who are very child-led may be in the habit of taking a back seat (or at least a side-seat) and asking questions like “Hm, what do you think?” rather than giving our opinions straight off. But when it comes to ideas about gender, race, sexuality, and other identity categories where stereotypes and social power come into play, our children need help to understand the complexity of the world and the functions some of these stereotypes and biases have in society. Research has shown that if we don’t frequently and explicitly challenge stereotypes, our children miss the message. Use whatever opportunities come up: reading books, out shopping for clothes, playing with friends. I like to think that I’m aiming for a ‘broken record’ level of intervention, which I hope will be enough to replace the hundreds and hundreds of messages my boys receive every day from the world around them.
A Diverse Environment
Fill your bookshelves, wardrobes, and toy boxes with items that match up with your ideals. Toys are more gendered than ever, according to academic Elizabeth Sweet, so vote with your pocket and refuse to buy things that are clearly marketed towards only girls or boys. Give your children the option of clothes from any department - or better yet, support some of the great small-label children’s clothing businesses which carry clothes not broken down into gendered categories. Be prepared to be your child’s advocate and ally when and if they choose clothing or hairstyles that are ‘across the aisle’ - this is where the inner work on stereotypes and implicit bias really kicks in!
Choose books, TV shows, and films that show kids breaking stereotypes, following their own interests, and standing up to anyone who challenges their right to do so. The more TV kids watch, the more likely they are to buy into gender stereotypes, mainly because the programs most commonly watched are packed full of stereotypical themes.** Screen time is a personal decision for each family, but if you choose to use screens, there are guides on sites like Common Sense Media that rate children’s programs on the amount of gender stereotyped behaviours. Books feel a bit easier to most of us: focus on books that have a range of main characters, including boys and girls of different races and religions as a starting point. There are so many that we love right now - I’ll write up a separate post all about our favourites soon.
Giving kids a more open and balanced view of gender doesn’t happen overnight, but if we work throughout a whole childhood to give our kids positive examples of life outside stereotypes, they’ll be able to build an authentic self where their likes and dislikes are based on their own inner voices instead of society’s pressures and expectations.
* A great book on this is When Boys Become Boys by Judy Chu. Although she focuses on boys in the book, the concepts apply to both boys and girls.