This week I’m writing about things that might be weighing on your mind as you’re preparing to dive into the new school year. You’ve bought new shoes and sharpened their pencils...but how do you talk to your child’s teacher about gender stereotypes? Will you be ‘that parent’ if you talk about counteracting implicit racist bias in the classroom? How do you help your child stand up against bullying?
Although I’m focusing on those of you who will be sending your smalls into the loving and welcoming arms of new teachers at school (some for the first time ever!), the things I’m talking about apply to those of us with home educated kids or children who attend any drop-off classes or spaces where you’re not directly supervising them and intervening on their behalf in the moment.
Today we’re starting off by talking about considering inclusive language for different kinds of families. How can we help make the environment in your child's class feel welcoming to all kinds of families?
Ask in advance
You can start by checking any intake or application forms - do they use language like ‘parent’ or ‘guardian’ instead of ‘mother’ and ‘father’? Most will, but if not, definitely address this with the teacher or an administrator and see if they will change it to a more inclusive style.
Ask the teacher for examples and resources that they use to talk about families, including books that feature diverse families. We want all kids to know that their family is normal, great, and acceptable, whether they have one parent or two (or three!), two moms or two dads, a trans or non-binary parent, or they’re being raised by grandparents, other family members, or carers. Even when the school and teacher affirms all kinds of families, the implicit bias towards a family with two heterosexual parents exists in our society. It’s easy for habitual language like ‘moms and dads’ to be prevalent, and it’s pretty common for the books read in schools to predominantly feature one kind of family.
Coffee for Carers and Circles of Care - ask for inclusive school events and activities
Some schools have events that are gender-specific like “Muffins for Moms” or “Donuts for Dads”. If your child’s school hosts events like these, talk to the administrators about how these events can be inclusive for kids who don’t have one of those parents.
Most schools recognise Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Before these dates occur, ask your child’s teacher how they will present the activity to include children with neither/more than one of these parents. A child could make cards for an aunt or grandmother, for instance, if they don’t have a mother.
The Welcoming Schools website has some great information that you could share with teachers or administrators, if they need some help getting started.
Family tree activities are common in the early years and a lovely thing to do - however children whose family structures don’t match the standard ‘tree’ can feel left out or like their family is somehow wrong. This applies to many children: kids from lone parent families who have no contact with a second birth parent, children who have lost a close family member or who were adopted, or children who have family members who are not present for various reasons, as well as kids who don’t have both a mother and a father they are growing up with. If a family tree activity is planned, you could work with your child’s teacher to supplement or replace the standard tree activity with a more inclusive model, like a 'Circles of Care’ diagram. This is similar to a family tree, and identifies all the people that care for a child, in degrees of closeness.
Be an example
When you are meeting new school families, don’t assume that every family looks like yours. You will make the environment more welcoming and inclusive for other families by using gender-neutral words about a child’s parents, and not assuming that there are two parents in every child’s life. Your child will pick up on this language and in turn make their classmates feel comfortable and like they don’t need to explain or justify their family structure.
Check your bookshelves and add in books about different kinds of families to your rotation. We love All Kinds of Families by Mary Ann Hoberman and Stella Brings the Family by Miriam Schiffer.
If you are a family who is in the majority or who has unearned social privilege with regards to your race, your family makeup, or disability (including neurodiversity), I am asking you to be the ‘upstander’ and use your privilege to address some of these big issues with your child’s teacher before a family with less social privilege feels forced to. If it feels uncomfortable to you, imagine how uneasy a situation it is when you don’t know if you’ll face further discrimination for flagging a biased situation.