We’re safely on the other side of toilet learning in our house, so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned. There’s plenty of information available about Montessori-inspired toilet learning, much of which I relied on the first time I helped a child learn toilet independence.
The most concrete advice I can give is to relax, and trust in your child’s ability to learn new things. They are learning all day long, and there’s no reason to think that they won’t be able to learn to use the toilet without a lot of struggle. The more stress you bring into the situation, the less able you’ll be to lead your child calmly towards toilet self-sufficiency.
Montessori identified the sensitive period for toilet independence as 12-18 months. Children of this age are great at learning processes and don’t need any kind of external rewards or bribery to learn to use the toilet. They have a natural desire to participate in the life of the family - they want to do what we’re doing! With both boys we started at the later end of this window, although we introduced the potty and nappy-free time for periods throughout the day from 12 months for Birdie. Our boys have always worn clothes that are easy to put on and take off - stretchy waistbands without buttons or zips - but I didn’t wait until they were completely able to manipulate their clothing. At nearly two, Birdie still struggles to always get his own clothing down and up. Having the physical strength and dexterity in one’s hands to manipulate clothing isn’t a precursor to toilet independence. I would much rather assist a toddler with their clothing and allow them the dignity of toileting like the rest of us, than wait until they can push down their trousers without fail.
Getting started
With both boys, we generally followed the approach that’s summarised in the book Oh Crap Potty Training. We read books about toileting together before we started (unfortunately I don’t have any I recommend!), and talked about how soon, it would be time to say goodbye to nappies. We picked a time when we didn’t need to be anywhere for a while - Christmas in our case, but quarantine is a perfect time! We said ‘goodbye’ to nappies one morning and started a period of going bottomless: no nappies, underpants, or trousers. We always kept a potty close by, and spoke clearly about what was supposed to happen - pee and poo go in the potty, not anywhere else. Once we started, the nappies were gone completely during the day (even for naps), but we’ve kept them for nights still with Birdie - more on that in a moment.
After a day or two, the connection between feeling and what’s supposed to happen is clear to even a very small child. There are inevitable accidents those first few days, usually when an adult’s attention wanders, but there were fewer than you might expect. We had a skirt-no-underpants phase for a couple of days before moving to trousers-no-underpants, which is the next ‘block’ that the book describes. After about a week of practice with trousers but no underpants, we introduced underpants - we like these absorbent ones by Bright Bots. There were a few accidents but generally, both boys were accident-free after about two weeks. Most accidents happened when we were stuck in traffic in the car or on a bus.
We’ve used small potties and a toilet reducer with a step interchangeably from the beginning, and neither child has shown any preference for one over the other. I’d recommend having a potty on each floor of the house and one you can put in the bedroom overnight since nighttime trips to the toilet can be disruptive to sleep.
Night training
The first time around, we approached toilet independence after night weaning, so night-time dryness happened not long after day dryness. For a time we woke A early in the night to use the toilet and he learned gradually to wake himself when he needed to go. We used night trainers for this period, which weren’t very absorbent and provided useful feedback for our little learner! There’s no problem with a child waking up to use the toilet during the night, especially once they are able to reliably manipulate their clothes. If that’s a problem, you could always opt for a nightgown or nightshirt, or pajama bottoms without underpants to make it easier.
Birdie is still having milk at night - a story for another day! - so he naturally needs to pee more at night. I hadn’t expected him to approach night dryness anytime soon, but he wakes a few times a night to use the toilet, so we’re jumping into nighttime training as soon as our waterproof sheet arrives. Every child is different, but there’s no reason to wait until a child can make it all night without needing the toilet to approach night training. Most of us adults wake up to use the toilet in the night sometimes, after all!
Respect and dignity
Toilet independence is one area where we need to follow the child, but as their leader. We don’t need to wait until a child is old enough to be asking to use the toilet - although in many cases, they’ll be asking to use it at a much earlier age than we expect. We need to see our child’s capability for learning new things, and see their desire for being treated with respect and dignity.
Three things to take away:
Trust in your child’s ability to learn new things. They are learning all the time! Learning to use the toilet isn’t too hard for them, it’s just something new.
Start with no underpants or trousers, and work your way towards full clothing. Say goodbye to the nappies and don’t look back!
The couple of weeks it takes for your child to get proficient at using the toilet will feel like a very long time, but once they’ve learned, it will feel like it passed quickly.