it’s here again - the season of new beginnings as we start a new school year and a new season. But this year, things are still very different for most families. Some children will have started school virtually, or will be attending a school in person that feels quite different than it did last year. There are new rules to follow anywhere you go, masks to wear and hands to cleanse at every turn. The collective anxiety that we feel is completely legible to our children. The usual hiccups that spirited and sensitive kids experience when starting new activities will likely be even more intense this year. Here’s some things that will help your child begin a new term or a new season with as much calm and happiness as possible.
A clear idea of what’s happening
Spirited and sensitive kids need to know what’s coming next so that they can adjust their expectations and feel confident. Children who have difficulty with transitions need to know ahead of time what will be expected when they arrive somewhere - will they need to go into school alone? Will they need to use a different door than before, or will there be a new handwashing routine they should be prepared for? Will adults be wearing masks, or will they need to remember not to touch elderly relatives on a visit? Visual charts are helpful: pictures showing what happens in a day or a week, or illustrating the order in which things will be done in a nursery or school setting. You can make your own by painting or drawing out a simple illustration for each activity, or you can print off any number of routine cards (there’s a long list of options here).
Anxiety can make even normally comfortable clothing feel unbearable to some spirited or sensitive children. If your child will need to wear specific items of clothing, check them for sensory triggers beforehand. Are there any tags that need to be cut out or lumpy seams that need to be covered? New clothing in general can be overwhelming to children who are very sensitive - if a change of clothing isn’t possible, like in the case of school uniform, have your child practice wearing the uniform before school begins so that it’s not a new item to be worn during a new experience.
It will help a spirited or sensitive child to know whether they will be expected to participate in a new activity, or whether they will be able to watch first until they feel comfortable joining. They also need to know what to expect if they become overwhelmed and do not choose to participate. Will you take them home at that point, or will you be staying throughout the activity regardless of whether or not they take part?
Plenty of time to adjust
Give your child as much time as possible to adjust to a new setting, activity, or childcarer. If possible, visit the classroom or activity area at a quiet time, without the bustle of other children around. Have a new childcarer visit your home and get to know the child’s daily rhythm before stepping out of the scene yourself.
Expect that your child will need extra time once you arrive somewhere to feel ready to join in or leave your side. Your child may show signs of being unsettled by shouting or running around with excitement - anxiety doesn’t always look like a clinging or crying child. Be prepared to lead your child into calming activities like deep breathing or squeezing squishy toys until they are better regulated. I pack a ‘calm down kit’ when I know we’ll need to jump straight into an activity or will be doing something hectic like taking several trains: noise-dampening ear defenders, putty to squeeze, pleasantly scented hand sanitiser, and a favourite snack. It can feel hard as a parent to watch other children happily beginning new activities while your child struggles, so consider what you might want to add into a calm-down kit to help you keep your own sense of lightness.
It’s almost impossible for an unregulated, overwhelmed child to begin a new activity. The time you spend helping feel comfortable and calm in a new space will enable them to gradually develop their own set of tools for managing their worries or stress when they approach a new situation.
A calm, prepared adult
It is much easier to support your child through new starts if you’ve had a bit of time to prepare yourself. If your own stress levels rise, you can be certain that your spirited child will absorb that stress and mirror it back to you. Preparation can take many aspects: laying out books, materials, or clothes the night before to reduce the chance of rushing around in the morning is probably the simplest way to feel prepared, but ongoing practice with mindful presence and playful parenting is also vital preparation for supporting your spirited or sensitive child through their days. Spending a few minutes each day practicing mindfulness or meditation, either alone or with your child, can help you stretch your ability to pause and reflect before reacting. Parenting a spirited, sensitive, or neurodiverse child is challenging - we are called on multiple times a day to be our child’s lighthouse in rough waters. Ask yourself where can you call in support so that you can have a break when you need one. Notice when you feel triggered by your child’s struggles - what about the situation or their reaction brings up feelings of overwhelm, anger, or helplessness for you? Noticing this reaction and taking time outside of the immediate situation to investigate your own unconscious responses can help you create space between your feelings and your reaction, and ultimately will help you feel more prepared to support your child through tricky times.
Some resources you might find helpful:
The Opposite of Worry by Lawrence Cohen
Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka