Over the past few weekends, we somehow fell out of a working rhythm. We all felt pulled in lots of directions and like nothing much got done, other than settling lots of upset feelings.
A has been waking up very early, around 5:30am. It’s partially due to the early sunrise, but he’s always an early riser and goes through phases of waking really early. He’ll play or read on the landing while I try to doze for an hour, and then we go downstairs together. I would try to drink tea and work while he listened to an audiobook and talked to me, and around 8:30 or 9 T and Birdie would join us downstairs.
Things immediately would get hairy: arguing children, me wanting a break from working while listening to A’s stream of consciousness thoughts, T wanting a cup of coffee and to fully wake up, Birdie wanting breakfast, A wanting more breakfast. I’d hustle around trying to pack up clothes and lunches to get us out in nature, while A, feeling accurately like he’d been sitting around for hours and hours, spun his wheels and responded to us all with an increasingly short temper. Usually, some sort of meltdown occurred due to unmet needs for movement and overwhelm, or building anxiety about a lack of plan for the day. Definitely time for a reset!
As much as I would love to wake up at 7am and have a chilled-out morning reading the newspaper and having a slow breakfast, A’s internal wiring means that it’s just not on the cards for the foreseeable future. Having an expanse of time without a schedule or plan makes him really anxious. Feeling like his day is ‘re-starting’ when his brother and dad come downstairs interrupts his flow. At the same time, Birdie really wants the kind of slow, quiet morning that I dream of having, so we need to protect that space for him as well.
What does everyone need?
Doing a needs analysis helped to solve a few problems. A needs to move and make noise straightaway. I need to have a cup of tea, maybe some fresh air, and to read something on my own. I also need to work at some point over the weekend, and I’m at my best first thing in the morning. Birdie and T need to get a bit of sleep and have a slow start to the day. We all need to get out in nature and exercise, and to wake up with a plan rather that deciding at 11am that we want to go for a walk.
Taking a bit of space to think about how our needs and interests intersect gave me ideas for shifting the day into a better rhythm. A and I both like walks in the quiet morning. We both like cafes and sitting in parks. Aha! So starting this weekend, we got dressed early and very quietly let ourselves out of the house at 7am, a flask of tea in hand. We walked and scooted to the ‘far away shop’ (about a mile) to collect the newspaper and croissants, then returned to the local park where I read the paper, and A snacked on treats and rode his scooter around. Once T and Birdie were awake, they called us to come home, and A happily chatted about our adventure while I got a bit of work done. Then we all packed up and set out for a long walk. This simple adjustment in the morning set up the whole day differently, and we all felt less anxious, frustrated, and hassled.
Another challenge on the weekends is that we often need to get housework done - big stuff like building desks and sorting out seasonal clothing. Birdie can find his own activities and is happy to potter about and play with trains or make up games outside. Like many children, however, A struggles to find his own activities and frequently interrupts or intentionally spoils his brother’s games. Even with Montessori-style shelves and baskets of toys and materials laid out in 4 rooms of the house, he can’t look at the options and choose something he wants to do. Some days he can choose between two or three options I offer, but on weekends even offering that choice will trigger a meltdown. This leads to everyone feeling stressed and upset.
Sensory activities like kinetic sand, body painting, or water activities are the only things he will engage in willingly when he’s having this sort of day. These are activities that the boys can join in together without anyone needing to control the narrative of a game or take away objects out of frustration.
To respond to this need, I’ve increased the range of sensory activities on offer so we can have some variety. On the shelves now are:
Kinetic sand with a limited number of tools (scoops and geometric solids mostly)
Lavender mixed with magnesium salts
Colourful fishtank gravel
Play dough
Coloured rice grains (these make a tremendous mess, and I am always vacuuming up rice grains, but he loves them)
I’m also going to try large tapioca pearls as a substitute for water beads, which aren’t sustainable and are a choking hazard for younger siblings. I also stash things like melting starch packing material to be dissolved in water.
The outdoor sand pit is back up and running, and I’m creating an outdoor painting box for wall and body painting. A bit of mess often creates the space to get big jobs done!
Keeping to your general rhythm
We stick to our same daily rhythm on weekends, and I can see the negative consequences when we let it slip. We can have one long day out taking a walk or visiting a beach, but not two. We can see friends one day, but not two in a row. We can watch a film one afternoon, but not two in a row. Keeping to our usual rhythm helps everyone anchor into the day. Our basic rhythm is reading with breakfast, out for an activity, lunch, independent quiet time, garden time, a bit of screen time, supper, bath and bed. Independent quiet time is not negotiable - we all need the space from one another. A listens to an audiobook in his bedroom and does whatever he wants (a time in the day when he can always find his own activity), Birdie plays and sometimes listens to an audiobook downstairs, and on weekends I try to sit and work at the dining table while T does things in the den/back room.
I am easily overwhelmed by noise and having a short break from other people’s constant talking really helps me stay patient. I do have earplugs that I wear when I feel like the noise is getting to me (these ones). I also try to find 5 minutes for mindfulness meditation during quiet time to help me refocus before the next round of busyness.
My main suggestions for improving weekends in a busy, neurodiverse family:
Stick to your weekday rhythm as much as possible.
Invest in a chalkboard or whiteboard where you write out the day’s plans in advance
Keep one day of the weekend free for quieter or home-based activities
Lots of physical activity on the other weekend day
Look for creative ways to solve tricky spots. What are your sites of mutual fulfillment? Is there a place or activity that makes everyone happy?
As much sensory play as possible, even for older children. We all find it calming!
Balance the needs of everyone in the family: you can’t all have what you need all of the time, but make sure everyone gets some of what they need at some point during the weekend.