How do you concentrate best? With silence and a clean surface, or with music and candles, and some art on the wall? Do you like to do one thing at a time, or do you have a few different things on the go at once?
It’s normal for very young children to have a short attention span - the average figure for time concentrating is the child’s age in minutes - so a 4 year old could be expected to focus on a task for about 4 minutes without a break. Still, you may observe that your spirited kid has a hard time staying focused for even a short amount of time if they are asked to stay still while they work on a task, if the task is challenging, or if it’s not their very favourite thing.
Difficulties with focus are pronounced for kids with ADHD or attention deficit challenges, but it’s something that many children experience. When we expect children to learn by sitting down quietly for long stretches without ‘goofing off’, and use materials that don’t speak to their learning style, we set ourselves and our children up for frustration and a sense of failure. But by shaking up the environment and providing a bit of fun, colour, and background input, we can improve our kids’ ability to focus on everything from eating a meal sitting down to age-appropriate handwork or ‘schoolwork’* tasks.
As we consider our expectations for our spirited kids’ ability to focus, I invite you to reflect on how you learn or do work best. Do you expect more from your kids than you do from yourself? Many of us have developed habits and tools that provide the right amount of distraction and reward to help us plow through challenging or boring tasks like writing up reports or doing our taxes. I know that I set timers and reward myself with a cup of tea after concentrating hard!
An Appropriate Distraction
Popular wisdom about attention says that to increase kids’ ability to concentrate, you reduce distractions: a blank wall, a quiet room, a boring view. If there’s fewer things to take a child’s focus away from the task at hand, they’ll be better able to complete it. This only works for much older children (nearing puberty) whose learning style meshes with quiet, visual learning. For young children and kinaesthetic/tactile/auditory learners, an atmosphere of stillness and quiet feels a bit like nails on chalkboard - it’s uncomfortable!
Providing spirited kids with an appropriate level of extra stimulus can help them remain engaged with their activity for longer. More input means that more of the brain is engaged and working, and less likely to drift off into the next game.
We usually have some sort of quiet music on in the background during any activity that calls for stillness or focus, or play a familiar audio book while A draws, builds, or does puzzles. Because we use music and verse as anchors for our days, these tunes tend to be familiar ones that signify specific activities or times of day. For instance, we have two or three albums that we choose from during suppertime - ones that are pleasant and cheery, but that don’t inspire wild dancing. We listen to familiar classical music while working on writing letters or numbers, instead of tunes we’d usually sing along to. Like many spirited kids, A is an ‘overtalker’ who finds it challenging to keep thoughts to himself or avoid making silly sounds. Having a bit of music or a story in the background allows that auditory space to be filled, without him needing to talk or make noises.
Tactile objects, such as polished stones, wooden peg people, glass gems, or pinecones can also provide extra input that aids concentration. There’s no need for fancy (breakable) plastic objects specifically designed for distraction - anything calming in the hand will do. I try to limit the presence of anything that too closely resembles toys, like small cars or wooden animals, because I find this negatively affects A’s ability to focus on his meal or his schoolwork, but your child may respond differently. Some kids like to arrange objects while they work or eat, while for others, the feeling of something in the hand is enough input to keep them involved with the task at hand.
Experiment with what works for your child! Some other suggestions for sensory input you may try:
Cold or warm drinks, especially through a straw
Holding hard, soft or squishy objects while they work
Sit in a rocking chair or on a space hopper
Photographs or art prints at their eye level to gaze at while they eat or work
Changing the Scene
As I wrote in my blog post about kinaesthetic learning, many spirited kids learn best when they are moving. If your child struggles to sit still and focus, consider whether there’s a way to involve more movement in the activity. Sometimes it’s not possible - you can’t hop through the kitchen while eating lunch - and it’s in these occasions that the extra sensory input can make a real difference. But first, ask whether you can change something about the situation that will make it more comfortable for your spirited kid. Could they use manipulatives instead of completing a worksheet - or, depending on your child’s learning style, could they complete a worksheet with a clear beginning and end, rather than using open-ended materials? Could they take movement breaks or use a standing desk? Could they do their work outdoors, or eat picnic style on a mat?
If your spirited child is in a school setting, talk to the school’s occupational therapist to see if they have any advice for ways the classroom leader could implement some of these suggestions. It’s unlikely that your child is the only one in the class who struggles to sit quietly and complete their work at a desk!
Whether your child is spirited or not, navigating parenthood from a respectful, feminist perspective can be challenging! I’m available for a limited number of motherhood mentorship calls in December and January. I help families work through all sorts of challenges to family life: crafting a peaceful approach to discipline (especially with spirited kids!), working through the right kind of educational setting for your child, handling sibling issues, and practical help with creating an intentional, bias-conscious family culture and raising kind, feminist kids. I love working with all kinds of families - ones with spirited or neurodiverse kids, neurotypical kids, kids in school and those learning at home. You can find more about my mentorship and coaching calls here: Work With Me