How do we raise kids to be resistors or ‘upstanders’? The kind of people who push back against the ever-present cultural pressures that pigeonhole people into narrow gender roles, advantage some people over others on the basis of race/sex/gender/ability? The kind of people who speak up for what’s right, even when it’s unpopular?
In order resist the pressure to stay quiet, make ourselves smaller, or be a bystander to injustice and oppression, we need to be undaunted by choosing to think or live differently to others. And we can only really teach this to our kids by modelling it ourselves and understanding the inside of it to coach them effectively. Like so much about parenting, the work that needs doing is work on ourselves first and foremost. I’ve been thinking a lot about comparison recently, and how comparing ourselves to others keeps us caught in a loop of reacting to others rather than putting energy into living our own happy lives. Kristen Puzzo and Denaye Barahona described comparison as a kind of mental clutter on this recent episode of Simple Families podcast . It’s definitely a kind of background noise that’s hard to tune out: comparing myself to friends who have ‘bounced back’ more quickly from having babies, to other mothers who make it to the gym to run miles on the treadmill after bedtime, women who somehow have clothes that are stylish and fit properly, and are never covered in nose wipings.
This is all relatively harmless- probably not the most constructive way to use my time, but I don’t really let it bother me too much or take up too much mental energy. But I’ve realised that when I compare my children and their skills to other kids, I’m weakening their ability to hear and follow their own inner compasses. This is dangerous territory, because if they can’t confidently follow their own path, it will be harder for them to resist the strong cultural pressure to fall in line with the status quo, which based on patriarchy and white supremacy.
I didn’t really realize how much I compared A to other children. As a home educating parent, it’s easy to look at what other kids can do and wonder - is he reading enough yet? How is his handwriting progressing? I’m not even sure if he can add or subtract, or recite the days of the week. He knows a lot about musical instruments, garden birds, and bicycles, but is that enough things for a 3 year old to know about? I don’t know.
What I do know, however, is that every time I am comparing A to another home educated child, I am limiting him in some way. I am sending off unconscious vibes that who he is in this moment is somehow not enough. If I am doubting whether he is fine being different than other kids, how in the world will he grow up believing without any shadow of doubt that he is not just fine being different, but he is making the world better by being different? By comparing him to other kids, I’m reining in his limitless ability to be his own powerful unique force for good, and giving him the message that it might be best to do what other people are doing.
So for now, I’m going to start trying to resist the pressure to compare. I will follow the child that’s in front of me, not his friends, or the children of mothers I admire. I will give him the space to be himself, as free from the pressures of stereotypes and standardized testing as I can manage. And I will try harder to turn down the volume of my thoughts about his abilities, his interests, and what he ‘should’ be doing. Instead I will fill that space with observation, good role models, and constant reminders that, as Todd Parr’s book says, it’s OK to be different.