Have you picked up a copy of Philippa Perry’s new book on parenting, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did)? It fits neatly alongside RIE-inspired books like Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids and Laura Markham’s Calm Parents, Happy Kids, and drives home the message that in order to help our children build emotional resilience, develop an emotional equilibrium, and be the kind of people who are self-reflective and compassionate, we need to model that behaviour consistently and clearly. Perry shows through her examples and experience that we need to work on our own emotional resilience and stability - including understanding and letting go of patterns established in our own infancy and childhood - so that we are able to support our children’s emotional development.
In the chapter on feelings, Perry talks about being a ‘container’ for our children’s feelings. We don’t need to solve their problems or rush to avoid challenging feelings like anger or sadness; instead, we can provide a calm, compassionate sounding board where our children can air their problems and work through their own emotional process. This is similar to Patty Wipfler’s idea of ‘staylistening’ (and also in line with Janet Lansbury’s mantra of ‘let the feelings be’). It’s hard not to jump in and minimise an upset, distract a child away from feelings, or barge in with a solution. Often children’s problems seem quite small and manageable to us - a dropped treat, a bruised knee, a teasing friend - but they are full-size to a child, and often the final straw in a day of small frustrations or disappointments. By showing our children that they are ‘seen and soothed but not judged’, as Perry recommends, they are better able to develop the skills of rebalancing themselves emotionally after an upset.
Why is this important? Children who have stronger emotional rebalancing skills are better able to empathise with others and react with greater compassion, researchers at Emory University’s Centre for Contemplation Science and Compassion-Based Ethics have learned. Every time we help our kids to find positive ways to understand and manage their feelings, we’re helping them to build the neural networks they need to be kinder, fairer members of society.
Emotional resilience and stability is important for all children, but we know that statistically boys have a more challenging time staying in touch with their feelings and holding onto good mental health as they grow. Throughout the book, Philippa Perry demonstrates how we can lay the groundwork of positive emotional modelling and a good, sustained connection with our children, which will prepare them to have better mental health when they are older.
In each chapter, there are gentle pushes to consider how our own upbringing influences our reactions to our children - you could easily use these as journalling prompts or as discussion topics in a book group. I love her perspective on the role of play in parenting, and the value of seeing all behaviour as communication, rather than viewing negative behaviour as some sort of flaw in our children’s personality or something designed to punish us personally.
Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did) yet? I’d love to hear what you thought of it!
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