This is the second week with our brilliant friend and ‘Darwin parent’ (secular alternative to godparent - does anyone have a good name for this?) looking after the boys while I work. Not everyone has the luxury of a family member or close friend providing care while they work - when I had to return to an office job after A was born, we had to weigh up nursery vs. a nanny and select someone who was a good fit for our family. It was an incredibly hard transition for all of us - how do you trust someone you don’t know to bond with your child, keep them safe, and provide the kind of care that fits in with your family values? How do you communicate the change to your child, and what do you do to soothe their feelings of separation and upset - all while you’re adjusting to a new schedule yourself?
I learned a few things the first time around about a gentle, respectful transition into childcare that I’m definitely applying now as I shift into working two days a week, although I completely acknowledge that having a beloved family friend as a carer is very different than settling into a nursery! All in, though, we’ve used a nanny, a childminder, a nursery, and now a family friend (who is actually a childcare professional as well) to help us care for the boys, so I hope these tips will apply no matter what kind of care you’ve chosen.
Talk to the Kids
First off, talk about the change. Babies understand more than you think! Calm, clear information is key regardless of whether your child is under one, or much older. “Soon Mummy will be going to her office, and you will go to play at nursery. You will play with other children and then we will bring you home.” Give them as much information as possible at each juncture: the names of their new carers, where you will be, when you will be back.
A social story can help to introduce the idea of childcare and reinforce the reality that you will leave them and be back later. Devised initially for autistic children who appreciate a clear idea of what to expect in different situations, social stories present personalized, factual information about what will happen in a new situation. They’re valuable for kids of all ages so that there are no surprises, and children can prepare for what will happen. You can draw pictures or use photographs, and write out a simple story of what a day will be like when your child is with a carer. Will the carer come to your house, or will you drop your child off somewhere else? Where will they put their belongings? What activities will they do? Where and what will they eat? Where will they sleep? Try to include all of these details in the social story.
Gentle Settling In
A gentle settling period is one of the best ways to help your child gently become accustomed to their new carer. Whether it’s via short visits to a nursery where you both stay and play, or times when a nanny comes to your house to visit, giving your child the chance to build familiarity and closeness with a carer while you are also present makes the eventual hand-over less traumatic. It will also help you feel more confident about the care situation, and your confidence will transmit to your child.
It’s very usual that your child will be very upset when you leave them for the first time. It is incredibly hard to walk away from a crying child - I know how heartbreaking and unnatural it feels. It’s frightening for both of you! Hopefully, you will feel confident that your childcarer will be holding and soothing your child, showing your child that they are someone kind, trustworthy, and loving. It’s easy to minimise children’s feelings in this situation - telling them that it’s OK and that they don’t need to cry, or distracting them away from their sadness. Instead, I’d encourage you to ask your chilcarer to help your child have their feelings heard and validated - it is sad and frightening to see Mummy go, but she will be back and we will have fun.
In most childcare situations, a carer will phone you if your child is upset for a long time - it’s something to clarify before leaving your child. Like most situations, our children pick up on our emotions, so it’s most reassuring to them to convey a sense of calm trust in the carer, rather than seeming worried or apologetic about having to leave them. If they sense that you are nervous or frightened, they will naturally feel more upset and worried. If children are able to build a close connection with their carer, the upset period doesn't last long. A hadn’t been cared for by anyone outside our family (and mostly by me!) and was very, very attached to me when he started being cared for by our nanny three days a week. Within two weeks he was more or less happy to see her when she arrived, and after a month he was all smiles when he saw her at the door. Although she only cared for him for a year, he still has very fond memories of her and considers her one of his favourite people.
Aligning with your values
Whether you are using a nursery or calling in help from the grandparents, talk to your childcarer about your family’s approach to parenting and make sure that they are willing to follow your lead. Consider what’s most important to you, which will be different for each family. You may want to talk about things like ‘discipline’ or guidance with challenging behaviour, using words like ‘no’ or ‘naughty’, how to handle sibling conflict, screen time, treats, and getting outdoors. Sometimes these conversations are harder with family members or friends than with an impartial nursery! Rather than being a challenge to the carer’s experience or judgement, asking for consistency with your ‘family rules’ or values helps your child know what to expect, no matter who is caring for them. Check in as the relationship grows and see what’s working, and where carers might need support or more information.
Revisit Your How and Why
I’m not going to lie: leaving your baby is really, really hard. But if your family has decided that it’s the right thing for you - whether it’s because you need the income from work, or because you really enjoy your career - then finding a respectful way to separate from your baby or toddler will serve you both. Your child will begin to learn that the world is full of kind, caring adults, and that society is a place where children are respected. You will practice relying on others and asking for help, which is very hard as we all know!
Listen to your instincts, though - if you are persistently not comfortable with the situation, or if you feel like you can’t relax or trust the carer you’ve chosen to keep your child safe, happy, and loved in your absence, then don’t hesitate to make a change. A childcare situation doesn’t need to be unsafe or terrible to be a bad fit for your family! Revisit your childcare situation often and make sure that it’s still working for you. And if you feel after a while that something drastic needs to change, allow yourself to think creatively about how a different family situation could be achieved. Spending time apart from your children is vital for some people, but upsetting for others. Don’t let what’s right for others cloud your ideas about what’s right for you.
What has helped you as you’ve transitioned to childcare? What are you finding challenging? I have a few spaces available for one-to-one mentoring calls, where we can talk about any aspects of respectful, feminist parenting including a transition to childcare or choosing a like-minded carer. You can find out more here.