Mindfulness.
It probably means something slightly different to each of us, and the very nature of it (‘paying attention’, as Mary Oliver might simply put it) means that it’s something that you can’t hold in your hands too tightly. I’ve started to develop a mindfulness practice of sorts over the past year, and it’s helped me understand some of my children’s behavioural motivations and triggers - along with noticing my own patterns of reaction. I’ve been guided in my efforts by understanding more about Compassion-Based Ethics, which relates individual reactions to everyday situations to wider social change towards equity and kindness through making more compassionate choices moment by moment. As I’ve tried to tune in more to the present moment with my children, I’ve noticed that in many cases my response to situations is filtered through unconscious biases formed by a lifetime of living in patriarchy and white supremacy. The mindfulness tools that are so useful in parenthood turn out to be incredibly helpful for seeing the interwoven stories and social codes that cause us to keep enacting unfair systems of power and advantage. Who knew?!
The basics of Mindfulness
Mindfulness is simply paying attention to what is happening right now: the sounds, sensations, thoughts, and feelings that you are having. You take a moment to observe, rather than participate.. and this tiny window of space allows you to see the situation differently. As a parent, I find this tiny window of space so helpful, because it allows me to notice what feelings and thoughts are behind my children’s behaviour, and react with compassion. It also gives me the chance to stop for a moment and see whether my own reaction to a situation is fuelled by frustration, tiredness, or by acting out old patterns I’ve inherited from the past, or from society. Taking a second to look at my own thoughts helps me to notice when I am assuming the worst about a situation, rather than making space for positivity.
Jon Kabat Zinn and Myla Kabat Zinn’s book Mindful Blessings: The Everyday Work of Mindful Parenting is a perfect place to get started with mindfulness. (I also love his book Full Catastrophe Living, which deals with anxiety and illness). There are lots of guides and podcasts which offer meditations that can help you develop a mindfulness practice, but being mindful doesn’t require any extra time spent meditating or listening to relaxing stories. I find that I am better able to remember to pay attention to the present moment if I spend a few minutes in quiet meditation every day, but I don’t always have the chance - so don’t let that trip you up.
Mindfulness and Feminism
The Kabat Zinns’ book doesn’t directly talk about feminism, and most books about mindfulness don’t. However, mindfulness techniques help you tune into the present moment and notice ways in which that moment is imbued with overtones of power and freedom - which is the very definition of conscious, mindful feminism. Mindful feminism brings attention to the thoughts and feelings of injustice around privilege - rage and fear, perhaps, or feelings of guilt about privilege. Embarrassment at past things you’ve said or done that may have marginalised or hurt others. Anger about how mothers are seen by society, anxiety about men perpetrating violence against you, worry or fear that your own son may one day act out violence or power over others. This space allows you to be compassionate towards your learning self, just as you are compassionate towards your learning, growing children.
Mindful feminism allows you the space to observe your reactions that are an inevitable part of living in our system of power - and then find a way to move beyond them, learn about them, and find ways to avoid repeating these patterns or passing them on to children. This sort of mindfulness is a way to interrupt patriarchy.
Mindfulness and Parenting Towards Justice
I talk a lot about compassion, and this is why: patriarchy, and all the other kinds of oppression that are interwoven with it, keeps going because of a fundamental lack of true compassion, by turning some people into ‘others’ who are less deserving of agency, self-determination, care, and material safety. Mindfulness isn’t the only way to be a compassionate human (far from it!) but it’s a useful tool. It allows us to notice what’s going on around us rather than swimming with the tide. I truly believe that the way we parent our children can change the world - if we show them how to encounter others with a fair, open, and loving heart, they will be less likely to participate in systems that disadvantage others.
If we take the time to really pay attention to the complicated webs of sexism, racism, heterosexism, and all the other networks of power, our perspective shifts - just as it does when we slow down and really pay attention to the child blooming in front of us. And, of course, the two are always related: our experience of our selves as socially located beings, people with our own histories of love and loss and power and discrimination shapes the ways that we react to our children. By bringing our attention to the present moment with our child, we are allowing the automatic responses formulated by a lifetime living in patriarchy and white supremacy to be put on hold - and ultimately, hopefully, changed.
A few resources about mindfulness and compassion:
SEE Learning: A Compassion-Based Ethics approach for children
Tara Brach lectures and meditations (not specifically about mindfulness, but many are about compassion and humanity)
An interesting perspective about mindfulness and diversity in classrooms by Beth Barila