We’ve had one of those weeks where we’ve tried and struck out of a few new activities. There were new kids, new rooms, new teachers, and I didn’t fully anticipate the difficulty that A would feel walking into those new spaces. One was even at one of our ‘low’/quiet points of day, which I had brushed past in my enthusiasm for letting A try an activity that I thought he’d love. The result: an upset, frustrated, overstimulated child who refused to participate, and who later on felt sad he’d missed out.
Lots of children can find new classes or activities stressful, but spirited kids can find it extra challenging to tune into a teacher’s instructions, stay focused on the activity, and filter out thoughts they have about how exciting or boring the activity is. This can quickly lead to feelings of frustration and stress when they find themselves a step behind their classmates, or sidelined for not following class rules. After a few times of rough beginnings, your child might experience anxiety about attending new activities and be reluctant to try them. S/he might be generally overwhelmed with too many new sounds, people, sensations, or ideas to fully enjoy the experience.
Before you leap into new activities with your spirited kid, prepare them to succeed and have fun. We’re trying out a few new things again next week to see if they’re a better fit, and I’ll do a much better job anticipating what will work for our family.
Does it fit your family’s daily rhythm, and your child’s temperament?
Is the class or group at a time that works with your family’s current rhythm? Even if it’s something they love, a class that requires attention, patience, or group participation can be too taxing at tired points of the day. Late afternoon/evening or after school classes may be off the cards for your child, no matter how fun they look. Excited anticipation of a beloved class can use up a lot of energy and leave a child tired and grumpy when it’s time for the class to actually begin.
Kids with energy to burn in the late hours may enjoy leaping about the living room or going to a local playground more than following instructions in a swimming or gymnastics class. For some kids, a quiet drawing or karate class might be just the thing to help them find their concentration - and for others, being in a quiet room with other kids may trigger their sensory need to be noisy. If your child would love the activity, but not the setting, it may be best to give the class a miss and wait for a more suitable situation to come along.
Set the Scene first
Explain the setting of the class to your child as completely as possible. Will they be dropped off? Will other parents be watching? How many children can they expect to be sharing the class with? Will they be expected to participate in any races or competitions? Where will you collect them at the end of the class? Being able to imagine how the session will run can alleviate your child’s anxiety about the experience, and give you both a chance to talk through any points where your child may struggle. If your spirited kid is averse to competition, and you’re certain that competitive games will be a part of the activity (like swimming or running races), practice calm-down tools that they can use in the session. Taking deep breaths and saying a phrase like, “Try, try again” is a strategy that we use in our house to calm feelings around competition.
Manage Sensory Overload
Crowded hallways, echoing waiting rooms, or cold changing rooms all have sensory elements that can easily overwhelm a spirited kid before they’ve made it into their lesson. Come equipped with ear defenders, busy toys, warm jumpers, snacks, and whatever else you know helps your child to work through sensory overstimulation. Some kids respond best to being the first child in the room for group activities; others become anxious and wound-up as other kids come in, and have used up their concentration and patience by the time the class begins. It might be different for your child depending on the setting - one class we attend has an extra-noisy and stressful waiting room, so I slip A in the door right as it begins. Another, we arrive extra early so there’s no rushing and plenty of time to get used to the scene. Observation is your best tool here!
Talk to the instructor
Class teachers want kids to be happy! If you know your child will struggle at points in a class, talk to the teacher beforehand - even a short email will do. You might mention that your child works extra hard to follow instructions, or can become overexcited around lots of noise or frustrations. I tend to mention to teachers that A is easily frustrated and appears angry when things don’t go the way he expected, and that in these moments gentle encouragement and kindness go a long way.
If you find that a class teacher is resistant to hearing how your child could be helped to succeed, consider whether that class is really for your family.
No pressure
From an early age, spirited kids internalise the pressure to ‘behave’ in group settings. They tend to be hard on themselves when they struggle to live up to mainstream expectations of children’s behaviour, and self-critical when they aren’t naturally strong at an activity. Remind your child (and yourself!) that trying your hardest to listen, sit still, participate, or stay calm when you are frustrated is a valid way to spend time. It doesn’t mean that you’ll be brilliant at the activity - but it does mean that those invisible muscles that help out with self-regulation are getting a great workout.
Nobody needs to be the best swimmer, football player, ice skater, or rock climber to enjoy themselves, learn from the activity, and make friends. No one will be perfectly quiet, perfectly attentive, or perfectly resilient each and every session. Approaching lessons with a growth mindset gives your child incredibly important practice with learning how to learn things, which will serve them much better throughout their life than being a tennis whiz at age 8.
It’s OK to change your mind - sometimes
Decide before your child joins a class when they’d be able to stop attending, if it’s not a success. Taster sessions are a great way to gauge whether or not your child will mesh with the setting of the class. If no taster session is offered, and you are unsure about the fit, talk to the teacher beforehand to express your concerns.
Every family will have a different approach to quitting activities. In our family, we commit to activities either half-termly (6 weeks) or termly, usually after a taster session. We choose activities in collaboration with A, who is 4.5, and we listen when he says he does not want to try a class or attend a second time. If we enrol for a longer course, though, we do expect him to attend even if he is no longer loving the sessions. We work with him to try and determine what could make the sessions more fun, and we never require that he participates in sessions - only that he attends. This is based on our observation of his learning tendencies, and our work to stretch his persistence and self-confidence.
Too Much Structure?
All children need plenty of time for unstructured play. Spirited kids need lots of opportunities to play indoors and out without the need to follow instructions or keep up with others. If your spirited kid is struggling through group activities, look at the balance of structured to unstructured time in their days. Does it work better for your child to have one very structured day, and another day completely free? Or do they respond better to a mix of unstructured and structured time in one day? Adjust the balance as necessary.
I’ll be carrying all these ideas into our new class trials next week, and hopefully one or two of the new activities will fit into our winter days.