Working from home with no childcare. This is the reality for so many of us right now - at least, those of us who are lucky enough to have jobs that can be done at home. Your work might be busier than usual - mine is, and my husband’s work is busier as well - but you probably have much less time for working. We’ve all got full plates right now, but mothers are taking on a disproportionate load of childcare and ‘family labour’ - attempting to order food shopping, doing extra loads of laundry, checking in with isolated family members - which means that the mental load we were already experiencing seems like a holiday in comparison to all the stuff we’re juggling right now.
Most employers expect that people will be working more flexibly and less efficiently, but you might be feeling extra pressure to work ‘as normal’, or prioritise one parent’s job over another. If you work part-time, like many mothers of young children do, your work time might be vanishing as the job of caring for children full-time takes centre stage. Anyone who’s tried to put in a full day’s work while keeping children fed, safe, happy, and occupied knows that something has to give. I’m hearing the cry from all corners of my networks - “If I’m doing all the childcare, when am I supposed to work?”
We all tend to rely on old patterns of behaviour when a crisis hits - it’s comfortable, even if it’s not ideal. For most of us (even the avowed feminists!) we tend to take on the bulk of the childcare and family care tasks to free up our partners for work - even when this means that we’re scrambling to find spare moments for doing our own jobs. Our partners’ jobs might be more economically important to our families, and we might be used to doing more childcare so it comes a bit easier to us. But unless you are a lone parent, it is not your sole responsibility to care for your children while attempting to work from home. This is a family effort! Parents will have different roles and responsibilities but if you’re doing paid work, it’s essential that you have some time to do your job where you can concentrate fully.
As mothers we often feel like things will fall apart if we don’t keep all the plates spinning - and in many cases, it’s true - but our present moment presents a really unique opportunity to rebalance our homes and hand over some of the responsibility to our partners. We’re nearby, so no child is going to be sent into nursery wearing unseasonable clothes or forgotten at the school gates if we don’t step in. (For perspective: right now while I am writing this, one of my children is crying about a pee accident that I know I would have avoided - but it’s not the end of the world). In this strange and stressful present moment, I propose that you try to stretch your family into some new patterns that move away from the old ‘mum does it all’ system. Maybe we’ll emerge from our homes whenever this ends with a looser grasp on patriarchy, and more balance in our daily lives. We can hope.
Here’s my three top tips for getting your own work done, reducing mental load, and sharing out the work of family life more equitably right now.
Family meetings are your new friend.
Another meeting! But these, at least, happen face to face.
Once a week, sit down with your partner and a calendar after the kids are in bed. Map out the essential meetings and work tasks you each have during the week. Make a plan about how you will divide up your time and write it down. Begin with the expectation that both people will need to make some changes in their schedule during the week.
This isn’t business as usual, so try to take a task-based approach, rather than an ‘hours at the desk’ approach. Some families are splitting the day into shifts so that each parent has about 6 hours of working time and 6 hours of childcare; other families are reducing hours at work and alternating days between themselves of work and childcare, or splitting up time so that one parent can get some work done while the other has a lunch and childcare break (hello!). There might be some days when both parents have essential work to do at the same time, but no parent should feel like they are solely responsible for childcare and doing their job at the same time.
Things may change from week to week but having a clear plan is important for keeping everyone in the loop and reducing resentment that can boil up when you feel your needs aren’t being heard, or that you are expected to take on more than a sensible share of family responsibilities.
If you have school-age children, invite them to a short family meeting each morning where you all share some of your hopes and plans for the day. They will absorb more than we realise as they hear us practice boundary-setting around time, which means they’ll be more likely to grow up into people who can speak up for what they need and value their future partner’s responsibilities.
2. Write it down.
Most of us have a long list in our head of all the things that need to be done. We know our children's shoe sizes, when the veg box is (hopefully!) arriving, what keeps the kids calm at 2pm, and when your aunty is home for a phone call. Keeping up with all of this information is tiring, and one of the main factors in the mental overload that women feel. Externalising that list and putting it somewhere public in your home doesn’t quite take the responsibility away from you, but it’s the first step in sharing how much silent work you’re doing to keep your family afloat. Once something’s on the list, it’s easier to divide up the tasks.
Find a place in your home for a shared list of tasks that need to be done - all those things you usually keep in your head. When do the groceries need to be ordered, and what do you need to buy? What family members do you need to check on today? What bills need to be paid this week? Are there birthdays coming up that you need to make a quarantine plan for? Art projects you plan to do with the kids?
Go through the list at your family meetings and divide up the tasks, check in on the ones that were assigned last week, and make any changes necessary. This sounds like a supremely un-sexy task but it is the first real step towards shifting your mental load and sharing it out more equally. It’s the way new habits are created.
3. Invite the kids as collaborators
Now that every day is 'take your child to work day', see if you can uncover ways your new small coworkers can work alongside you at some points in the day. Toddlers and very young schoolchildren will struggle to be quiet or helpful coworkers, so please don’t put this responsibility on yourself if you are parenting tiny people. Older children, however, may like to hear about your work and start a project of their own related to what you're doing. There's no obligation for kids to complete all the work their schools send home. Instead, they could learn basic coding and web design, graphic design, using a spreadsheet or any number of things related to the work we might be doing. You might be surprised at the new, interesting perspectives your children have on the problems you’re addressing at work.
This is a unique and stressful time for all of us, there’s no doubt about that. But as we settle into family life in a way we haven’t before, I’m hopeful that some new patterns emerge that take us a few steps away from the old patriarchal ways of doing things, and a few steps closer to a more balanced way of living.