Every child is struggling in their own way right now with the anxieties and uncertainties of everyday life. Even if we are trying our best to insulate them from the news, they’ll be picking up on our undercurrent of worry. Some kids may work out their feelings through play in a legible way, like acting out scenarios with dolls or puppets, or in their drawings. Plenty of kids will be showing their anxiety through behaviour: stubborn or defiant behaviour from a usually easy-going kid, or physical aggression towards siblings from a kid who’s normally slow to anger. You might be seeing extra ‘babyish’ behaviour and more requests for cuddles, especially at bedtime. This is all a completely normal way for kids of all ages to deal with their overwhelming feelings and worries, most of which they can’t put words to.
But like all things with spirited kids, they’ll be extra destabilised by their loss of schedule and extra anxious about the palpable stress floating around. Your spirited kid is likely to be having regular, big outbursts or meltdowns, and is probably having a hard time getting back to a calm and happy state after an upset. She or he might be spending most of the day in a hyper-aware, hyper-aroused state which leaves the rest of the family walking on eggshells, afraid to set off the next outburst.
I’m not a clinical psychologist or an occupational therapist, but I am the parent of a spirited kid who has some ‘extra’ tendencies when it comes to sensory overwhelm. I’m right here alongside of you, paddling as hard as I can to make it through the day with everyone feeling as connected and reassured as possible. If you and your spirited kid are struggling right now, too, here’s a few things that might help.
Up the sensory input - but watch that it’s not too much.
Have you heard of a ‘sensory diet’? It’s not about food! A sensory diet is a set of activities that increases your child’s sensory input, which can help them to regulate their emotions throughout the day. Squishing your child (gently!) with cushions, letting them crash into the couch or a trampoline, kneading sticky bread dough, or walking over a rough or bumpy surface are all activities that can help to regulate a spirited child who has sensory overload. Usually these activities are done as part of a daily cycle, not only when your child is showing the need to get some energy out. There’s a very thorough list of sensory diet activities here - use your knowledge of your child to choose a few that you think will suit them best.
Pay attention, though, to where the line falls between therapeutic outlet and sensory overload. If your child is laughing or shouting in an out-of-control way, or seems unable to stop themselves, then they need helps moving away from the activity and finding another way to resettle.
Lean on Slow, Quiet Media
I know we are all leaning on screens more than usual. We are trying to keep to our bi-weekly screen times but most days, I’ve been inviting the boys to watch something at 4:30pm so that I can make supper alone and have a few moments of quiet. The fast, loud, flickery feedback from most traditional kids programs can wreak havoc on a spirited kid’s equilibrium. If you’re using screens more than usual right now, try to choose slow, quiet programs and films wherever possible. Notice the effect that some types of programs, characters, or storylines have on your child’s ability to regain their sense of calm after an upset, or to manage their self-control throughout the day. Audiobooks can also trigger overexcitement if your child is particularly drawn to language or auditory games. I’ve noticed a definite connection between expressions of sensory overload after A’s spent a lot of time listening to stories with even mild rudeness or name calling.
Mindfulness and awareness of feelings
Even very young children benefit from simple breathing exercises and honest talks about how it feels to be overwhelmed with feelings, and then find your way back to calm. You can use short scripts designed for young children, like the ones on offer from Cosmic Kids Yoga, and read them aloud as you invite your child to sit or stand still. You can also just breathe together, while you’re still or moving about. Spirited kids often like walking meditation or some version of singing meditations because it allows them to occupy more of their bodies and minds. You don’t need to have any particular background in meditation or mindfulness yourself to try it out with your child. It’s as simple as breathing in and out slowly together for a few moments.
it’s very easy for all of us to get caught up in our emotions and forget that they are fleeting things. When your child is calm, talk with them about how it feels to be angry, frustrated, or frightened. Help them come up with some short sayings that they will agree to say with you (or allow you to say) when they are upset, to help them remember that the feeling will pass. Imagining their feelings as fish swimming in a pond, or clouds floating on the sky, can help them create their own inner picture of what’s happening.
Be the Second Chicken
Lawrence Cohen’s book on kids and anxiety, The Opposite of Worry, has a great example of how we can support our kids through anxiety. He shares how chickens look to each other to see how concerned they should be, and whether to play dead or carry on scratching and pecking. One chicken all alone may play dead in fear for a long time, but if she sees a second chicken walking around unconcerned, she’ll get up, inferring that there’s nothing to fear.
Be your kid’s second chicken and show them that you’re not worried about their occasional loss of control, monsters under the bed, their friends forgetting about them, or whatever is troubling them. If they sense that you are worried, then they will be worried. But if you can share with them your confidence and lack of worry, they will be better able to re-regulate and move past their fears. Rationalising with an anxious child won’t help - better to hear their worries and show them that you are not afraid.
When you are worried though - as many of us are right now - be honest with your child about what you are doing about the situation. If they are worrying about the virus, remind them that we are all isolating indoors and staying a safe distance away from other people so that we can all be as safe as possible. Whatever’s going on, you and your child will face it calmly together.
Don’t Blame Yourself
Remember you’re not doing anything wrong. You aren’t a terrible parent if your child won’t play alone, or is shouting at you for hours a day. Your child isn’t bound for a future in prison because they’ve hit their sister yet again, broken a toy intentionally, or torn apart their room. Behaviour like this is frustrating and triggering for us, but it is the only way an overloaded kid can communicate. Yes, it would be easier if your child didn’t respond to stressful situations like this, but they do. Breathe, accept, release yourself and your child from judgement. They are doing the best they can right now, and they are communicating with you that they need help, love, and connection in the only way they are able. You can work towards a more positive situation only after you release yourself, and your child, from judgement.