“Grace and Courtesy”. It sounds a bit old-fashioned, doesn’t it? You might imagine that ‘grace and courtesy’ lessons involve walking around with books on your head, and learning to curtsey or bow. It’s not that at all, though - Montessori-inspired ‘grace and courtesy’ involves modelling ways to participate in society that are kind, thoughtful, and inclusive. It’s a straightforward way of teaching children the rules of conducting themselves politely in society (or in a family), usually through storytelling, role play, and practice. Instead of shaming a child by waiting until they break social rules, grace and courtesy lessons gently anticipate points of error or conflict, and give kids the tools to develop the behaviour that is polite, acceptable, or kind in our society. Lots of things could fall into grace and courtesy education: covering one’s mouth when you sneeze or cough, saying ‘excuse me’ when you bump into someone, walking indoors so as not to run into other people, or keeping your arms still when sitting near a small baby.
Montessori families often consider grace and courtesy lessons as part of their wider peace education; it’s one component of showing respect for others, valuing difference, and showing kindness and consideration for other people. Charlotte Mason enthusiasts might call some of these same lessons character development. As a respectful parent, I really value grace and courtesy lessons as a way to model thoughtful, kind behaviour without shaming my children for not knowing or forgetting social rules. Remembering that they are tiny, new people just trying to learn the rules of our world helps me assume that they have the best intentions at heart, even when they lose control. After all, even adults find it hard to regulate their voices and bodies in emotional circumstances, and we have many years of practice!
Our grace and courtesy lessons have focused on appropriate noise and body movements over the past couple of weeks. A has the tendency (as do many young children!) of using a loud voice all the time, interrupting our conversations. I am sensitive to noise and find it difficult to keep my cool after hours and hours of shouting - even if the shouting is gleeful. He is also a vigorously kinetic, and is often is flailing wildly while playing near Birdie, which can result in injury.
To start off, we’ve been reading books that directly talk about our situations. I really recommend this series - we have both the one about using a loud voice, and about acting wildly. I love that they have diverse characters, and that they give children the opportunity to see what happens when kids choose to break the rules. I’ve found A looking through these on his own often, which is always a good sign. The stories don’t shame the children for making social mistakes, but show the natural consequences of, for instance, shouting in the library (you have to go home), or flailing your arms near a baby (you have to give the baby space).
A really likes it when we act out situations with his soft toys, so we’ve been playing a game where one of his stuffed cats shouts and shouts, and the cat’s mama gets upset at the noise. There are lots of giggles when he plays the mama cat, who howls and howls and covers her ears with her paws. It’s easy to use this play when A becomes very loud, since I can begin to act out mama cat’s lines and cover my ears with my ‘paws’.
I’ve also introduced a few short phrases to help remind A of the rules when he is struggling to remember. As Philippa Perry recommends in her book, I make these limit-setting statements about me rather than about A, unless they are general ‘people must’ sort of rules. They are a bit like this:
“I need silence right now.”
“I need peace.”
“I need to keep you both safe.”
“People must give one another space.”
“People must respect each other’s bodies.”
“People must not hurt one another.”
Learning self-discipline through grace and courtesy lessons is one way to help children begin to develop their emotional and impulse regulation skills, which is key to the development of compassion. Instead of punishing children for breaking social rules, we can empower them to make good choices and see any lapses as points for learning, rather than character flaws or malicious ‘bad behaviour.’